NEW RESOLUTIONS

As one year comes to an end, our minds turn to the new year ahead, a chance for a fresh start, and the inevitable list of new year resolutions.  What can we do better next year? How can we change our bad habits, ditch our poor choices, and replace them with new improved ones? How can we re-make our life and become better versions of ourselves?

What if, instead of a “new” year, you were able to re-live the old one? You would have all the memories of the year’s events and be able to make different choices. If you have ever watched the movie, Groundhog Day, you will know the story of Bill Murray’s character who relives the same day repeatedly. Imagine if you re-lived, not a day, not even a year but a whole lifetime?

This is not intended to be a book review or promotion. However, last year I came across a book that had a profound effect on me and my perspective on life. It was a book by an author called Claire North. The book’s title is the first fifteen lives of Harry August. 

Harry August has an ordinary life. He is born in Berwick-upon-Tweed in 1919 and dies in a hospital in Newcastle in 1989. In the meantime, he has different jobs, various relationships, and tries to move on from his difficult family life. But when he dies, he finds himself as a child again, regaining his memories of his prior life. This happens again. And again.

It is a brilliant book. There are many books around the subject of time travel and stories of people that are immortal. But, apart from Groundhog Day, I had not come across a book quite like this.
It started me thinking, what would I do differently if I had my life to live again? Would I study harder to get into a better school? Already that would send my life in a different direction with different school friends. Would I choose a different career, travel to new places, learn new skills, learn new languages? Imagine your new year resolutions becoming “new life” resolutions.

I do a lot of work with children and young people from disadvantaged backgrounds. It is sad to see 14-to-16-year olds already giving up on themselves. I use this book in my teaching and mentoring.
I tell them the story and ask them to put themselves in Harry’s place. I ask them to just imagine, here they are going around again. Equipped with the memories of when they were here the last time, sitting in the same classroom. So, what are they going to do differently this time around?
Of course, It does not always work. Often the kids just think that I am a crazy old man and do not get the story at all. However, sometimes you see a paradigm shift occurring. A small light bulb moment and a realization that perhaps they can shape their own destiny if they want to.

In any event, I will highly recommend the book..

 

Being tempered in the fire has only made me stronger.

I probably should not wear my heart on my sleeve as much as I do. However, I am going to share something personal with you all today.

 

On this day, 12th December, last year I walked into the Cardiac Clinic at West Suffolk Hospital for what I thought would be a routine Angiogram. I had been having some discomfort while out running and having had a heart attack while competing in a race back in 2010, I thought It better to get myself checked out. I did wonder if, during the nine years since my MI, my heart disease had got worse. I imagined that; I might be prescribed some additional medication or perhaps at worse have another stent fitted. What I did not bargain for was being admitted there and then as a critical care case diagnosed with advanced heart disease and fast-tracked for open-heart bypass surgery. I was in the hospital from 12th December until 4th January and then re-admitted a few months later due to complications. I finally “escaped” from the hospital to come home to COVID-19 and a national lockdown.

During my time in hospital and recovery, two of my oldest friends died within months of each other. Being classified as “high risk” I was shielding and unable to attend the first funeral. I “masked up,” socially distanced, and attended the second. I was damned if I was going to miss both.

Firstly, let me say that I am well now thank you. Close to being 100% and back running and functioning in the world. Secondly, I do not write this to lament what I have lost or to feel sorry for myself. On the contrary. I write this to celebrate what I have gained. Being tempered in the fire has only made me stronger and more resilient. Yes, I have lost old friends, but I have also gained new ones. I am alive when, due to this dreadful Coronavirus, an awfully lot of people are not. My priorities have changed, as indeed they did after my first MI in 2010, and I am now less inclined to rush around the country coaching and delivering workshops. However, the lockdown has encouraged me to convert much of my knowledge to a format suitable for online delivery. And this in turn has opened opportunities with training companies to deliver online workshops on their behalf.
So, like many of us I suspect, 2020 will not go down as one of my favorite years. Yet, far from feeling sorry for myself, I find myself feeling a profound sense of gratitude. Gratitude for spotting the deterioration of my heart disease before the fatal heart attack, that was waiting in the shadows, struck. Gratitude for the skills of the surgical team who carried out the triple bypass operation. Gratitude for the nurses and hospital staff who cared for me. Gratitude for the love of my family and gratitude for all my friends who messaged me daily with words of encouragement. Gratitude that I had a degree of physical fitness and mental fortitude that sustained me and allowed me to make a good recovery. Gratitude that I and my family managed to steer clear of COVID-19 when many others were not so lucky.
So, as 2020 comes to an end, I look forward to 2021 with a positive attitude and a belief that things will get better for us all.

But, above all, I look forward to 2021 with sincere gratitude for still being alive and happy in the world.

 

Why don’t men like talking about our Mental Health?

There are numerous reasons why many of us don’t like talking about our mental health. Upbringing and cultural heritage. Peer pressure, the persistent calls to "Man up," "Tough it out" and a general unspoken understanding that "Big boys don't cry." Then there are outside factors like the way mental health is portrayed in the media. All of these contribute to creating a stigma. It is that stigma surrounding Mental health and fear of discrimination that often makes it hard for us to be open about our mental health.

At the end of the day, we are all different and there might be any number of reasons why people do not want to talk about these things. However, the associated stigma and fear of being judged is, I believe, the thing that most often prevents people from voicing their concerns and seeking help.

Poor mental illness affects everyone, Men and Women. But here is a sobering thought. In 2017 75% of UK suicides were by men.

So why might that be? Well, I have had suicide intervention training and one of the first things that I learned was that most people who contemplate taking their own life DON’T WANT TO DIE.

They do not want to die. They just want this terrible thing, this horrible situation, this desperate desolation to end. And, because they cannot see any way that is it ever going to end, they figure that ending their own life is the only way forward. So, we that in mind, if you can just get someone talking that is the first step. But it is often the hardest.

Some men believe they will be shunned and alienated by their peers for having a mental health condition, so they remain silent, denying themselves the support and treatment available. Some men view poor mental health as a weakness. And, whilst it would be wrong to stereotype men. It is probably also true to say that many men are also wired to believe that they should not show emotion.

I do sometimes wonder if that Is true or are attitudes changing? Is it a generational thing and maybe younger men these days do find it easier to talk about their feelings? But to some degree it is understandable. I mean, it is hard enough to experience poor mental health, without having to face the fear of judgment, shame, and isolation that might come about from discussing it. 

Still, 75% of UK suicides by men in 2017 is still a shocking statistic.

  

Why Boo at taking the knee?

COVID-19 restrictions were lifted and for the first time in months, people were allowed back into stadiums to watch live sport. Fans bring energy and a dynamic to the game which is contagious to the players and fellow supporters alike. This dynamic is perhaps never better demonstrated than with football. Fans can bring support, camaraderie, positivity, hope, and belief that “our” team will prevail because we are “great” we are the “best.” There is nothing wrong with this. It is natural to cheer on your team. We, humans, are, after all, tribal by nature. However, sports fans are not a breed apart, they are made up of a cross-section of society with all the baggage that our modern society brings. That being said, it was still deeply troubling that a number of Millwall supporters were heard booing the players as they bent the knee before the game.

I felt angry when I saw this. I also felt saddened. However, my main reaction was confusion. I was genuinely puzzled as to why. Was it just a knee jerk (no pun intended) reaction? We Millwall fans are “hard men” and we don’t give a toss.  You do get the occasional rebels who will boo during various "minutes silences" in respect of an anniversary or remembrance.

Did they think the gesture too politically correct or “Woke” as seems to be the in-vogue word?  Judging by comments posted on message boards such as “Well done Millwall lads. Only club with the cohonas to sound out this left-wing claptrap”. And “Well done Millwall, enough of this claptrap posturing.” this would seem to be at least part of the reason. However, the crowd reaction came despite Millwall manager Gary Rowett and his players releasing a statement ahead of the game in support of the movement.
It read: "We are fully supportive of the efforts in ridding the sport, and society, of all forms of discrimination. It is our duty to reinforce positive messaging. Taking the knee, for us, is in no way representative of any agreement with political messaging or ideology”.

"It is purely about tackling discrimination.”
So, can we assume then that those Millwall fans who booed are not in favour of tackling discrimination?

Or was the reaction just another example of blatant racism?